er loan

hmmm... its back again... e depressed mood n feel n tots... everytins jus ptin 2 i'll eventually b all alone... ere's jus a huge wrong abt me tt makes ppl leave me... i'm borin, naggy, cheapo, negative n a huge blob of depressiveness... n i m blind... blind 2 e line tt anybody w/ common sense wou noe nt 2 cross... i do tins in extreme... no 1 will tolerate dis flaw of mine 4eva... i say tins tt hurt ppl w/out feelin shit... n only feel bad whn ey tell me so... n all i wun b able 2 say sorry or anytin tt wou make it beta so i'll jus tink hw terrible a person i m, so y r u stil botherin 2 stay w/ me?? leave, u'll all b happier bein NT ard me... i only say tins tts unpleasant anyway... no 1 will understd my world... correction, its nobody in deir rite mind wou eva wanna noe anytin abt my world... ey jus wan me 2 get out of my own world n join em in deirs...

fei ache

1stly, i was despressed in e mornin n wanted 2 blog abt dis actually... but i'm no longer in tt depressed mood nw actually... so anyway, ere's alwiz bn dis fear inside me... tt ppl will find out i've got no heart... i calc alot... n its 2 e pt whr i dun tink i've got any ril filins left actually... i've mentioned on my blog quite a few times... wats ril n wats nt?? y do i fil tt e care n love i gif ppl r jus calc decisions... none of em r genuine anymore... its more like sensible logic 2 me... nt love... nt ril filins at all... n i've alwiz wondered if, i'm nt wrong... maybe i'm nt e only 1 born w/out filins, so r e others... but s we grow up, we learn 2 care 4 ppl, n sumhw, it bcomes common sense 2 em... so ey dun qn or reject it... whl i unfortunately, cldnt make myself succumb 2 dis make blif n blif tt i care 4 ppl naturally... but it cou also b tt we r born w/ filins... ey r genuine, but i'm jus in denial n i cant seem 2 trust my heart... so e care n love i shower ppl w/ jus doesnt feel ril, its all jus effort, nt 4m e heart but 4m e brain... or maybe i'm jus born wrong... i'm e only 1 w/ no heart... god or wateva overlooked n created every other parts of my body includin a physical heart, but 4got 2 add e magical touch of ril genuine filins... so i'm incomplete... haf alwiz known tt i'm incomplete... i try 2 get sum1 2 fill up e hole, but along e r/s, i jus realise hw big e hole rilly is n tt no one's big enuff 2 ever fill it up... doom... i'm jus destined 2 b resigned 2 doom... resigned 2 a life of nvr seein any meanin in it... dyin w/out anytin aft tt... pure emptiness... wch i m nt unhappy abt actually... aft death shul b like tt aftall... but ppl will nvr accept or understd me nw whn i'm livin... n i'll grow old alone?? whn will my baby gif me up?? whn will i die n acceptance will den nt b nided anymore??

yi mould

great i jus cut my finger rilly deep on my jeans zipper!! X( but tts nt e pt of dis post... anyway, jus fil like tokin abt me... e v tin tt shuldnt rilly exist on earth actually... negative is practically my ril name u noe... i dun trust ppl actually... i believe in wat ey say most of e time, n easily 2... but if i'm nt told by em directly, my 1st tots wou b, "great, ey hate me nw,", "we're prob nt frens anymore", "ey'll prob nt tok or meet w/ me anymore liao ba", "nw ey realise hw horrible a person i m"... sumwhr along dose lines... i guess i jus tink every1's jus born rotten like me, so its rilly a matter of whether ey wanna try bein nice or nt... i've alwiz tot tt we dun ponder if we shul do bad tins or nt, cos ey actually come out naturally... n we haf 2 hesitate n ponder 1st b4 we can decide on doin sumtin gd or nice... ok, i'm rilly draggin dis quite abit w/ lotsa stupid analogies of mine... so i shul jus get str 2 e pt... yes, i do tink bonds dun last 4eva... its weird tt i din tink so whn i was yger actually, even doh i was even more depressed n negative den... maybe i haf actually bcome worse aftall even doh i m truly more happy abt my life nw actually... anyway, driftin off again... -_-" since i was 22? it hit me tt frens doesnt last 4eva... ey'd eventually find deir other halfs n haf no time 4 me or even a common topic w/ me anymore... n we'd feel draggy n borin whn we hang out 2gether... tts wat i tot back den whn every1 had a bf i tink... nw's nt exactly e same actually, i'm w/ sum1, but my best fren isnt... but its stil happenin, i'll eventually haf no time or topics w/ my frens... i'll prob lose my best fren... maybe we'll still b frens... but nt best frens anymore... n y i say so?? its rilly triggered by lil fights we haf i guess... n i'd alwiz go in2 my negative mode immdly... w/ e last fight abt e nite safari, i tink tt she's prob had e last straw... n realised i'm nt worth 2 b called her best fren anymore... cos bonds rnt alwiz strong... even if ey were once rilly strong like steel, ey'd stil crumble whn e time comes, like death... 2 me, death robs everytin away... nutin remains... nt a single speck of u or ur filins n shit... so maybe tts y i cant trust ppl, cos it doesnt matter if u make or break any of e bonds in yr lifetime anyway... cos it will eventually amt up 2 nutin whn u die... doh all e livin will prob say otherwise... but if i'm correct, ere is only pure emptiness aft death... u cant feel anytin u felt whn u were stil alive... so no happiness n no burden of e 1s u left bhind... so back 2 my pt, i dun trust ppl, i alwiz tink ey'll cheat on me, leave me, abandon me, walk out on me, basically, i'll b alone eventually... cos bonds AREN'T tt strong........