er loan

hmmm... its back again... e depressed mood n feel n tots... everytins jus ptin 2 i'll eventually b all alone... ere's jus a huge wrong abt me tt makes ppl leave me... i'm borin, naggy, cheapo, negative n a huge blob of depressiveness... n i m blind... blind 2 e line tt anybody w/ common sense wou noe nt 2 cross... i do tins in extreme... no 1 will tolerate dis flaw of mine 4eva... i say tins tt hurt ppl w/out feelin shit... n only feel bad whn ey tell me so... n all i wun b able 2 say sorry or anytin tt wou make it beta so i'll jus tink hw terrible a person i m, so y r u stil botherin 2 stay w/ me?? leave, u'll all b happier bein NT ard me... i only say tins tts unpleasant anyway... no 1 will understd my world... correction, its nobody in deir rite mind wou eva wanna noe anytin abt my world... ey jus wan me 2 get out of my own world n join em in deirs...

fei ache

1stly, i was despressed in e mornin n wanted 2 blog abt dis actually... but i'm no longer in tt depressed mood nw actually... so anyway, ere's alwiz bn dis fear inside me... tt ppl will find out i've got no heart... i calc alot... n its 2 e pt whr i dun tink i've got any ril filins left actually... i've mentioned on my blog quite a few times... wats ril n wats nt?? y do i fil tt e care n love i gif ppl r jus calc decisions... none of em r genuine anymore... its more like sensible logic 2 me... nt love... nt ril filins at all... n i've alwiz wondered if, i'm nt wrong... maybe i'm nt e only 1 born w/out filins, so r e others... but s we grow up, we learn 2 care 4 ppl, n sumhw, it bcomes common sense 2 em... so ey dun qn or reject it... whl i unfortunately, cldnt make myself succumb 2 dis make blif n blif tt i care 4 ppl naturally... but it cou also b tt we r born w/ filins... ey r genuine, but i'm jus in denial n i cant seem 2 trust my heart... so e care n love i shower ppl w/ jus doesnt feel ril, its all jus effort, nt 4m e heart but 4m e brain... or maybe i'm jus born wrong... i'm e only 1 w/ no heart... god or wateva overlooked n created every other parts of my body includin a physical heart, but 4got 2 add e magical touch of ril genuine filins... so i'm incomplete... haf alwiz known tt i'm incomplete... i try 2 get sum1 2 fill up e hole, but along e r/s, i jus realise hw big e hole rilly is n tt no one's big enuff 2 ever fill it up... doom... i'm jus destined 2 b resigned 2 doom... resigned 2 a life of nvr seein any meanin in it... dyin w/out anytin aft tt... pure emptiness... wch i m nt unhappy abt actually... aft death shul b like tt aftall... but ppl will nvr accept or understd me nw whn i'm livin... n i'll grow old alone?? whn will my baby gif me up?? whn will i die n acceptance will den nt b nided anymore??

yi mould

great i jus cut my finger rilly deep on my jeans zipper!! X( but tts nt e pt of dis post... anyway, jus fil like tokin abt me... e v tin tt shuldnt rilly exist on earth actually... negative is practically my ril name u noe... i dun trust ppl actually... i believe in wat ey say most of e time, n easily 2... but if i'm nt told by em directly, my 1st tots wou b, "great, ey hate me nw,", "we're prob nt frens anymore", "ey'll prob nt tok or meet w/ me anymore liao ba", "nw ey realise hw horrible a person i m"... sumwhr along dose lines... i guess i jus tink every1's jus born rotten like me, so its rilly a matter of whether ey wanna try bein nice or nt... i've alwiz tot tt we dun ponder if we shul do bad tins or nt, cos ey actually come out naturally... n we haf 2 hesitate n ponder 1st b4 we can decide on doin sumtin gd or nice... ok, i'm rilly draggin dis quite abit w/ lotsa stupid analogies of mine... so i shul jus get str 2 e pt... yes, i do tink bonds dun last 4eva... its weird tt i din tink so whn i was yger actually, even doh i was even more depressed n negative den... maybe i haf actually bcome worse aftall even doh i m truly more happy abt my life nw actually... anyway, driftin off again... -_-" since i was 22? it hit me tt frens doesnt last 4eva... ey'd eventually find deir other halfs n haf no time 4 me or even a common topic w/ me anymore... n we'd feel draggy n borin whn we hang out 2gether... tts wat i tot back den whn every1 had a bf i tink... nw's nt exactly e same actually, i'm w/ sum1, but my best fren isnt... but its stil happenin, i'll eventually haf no time or topics w/ my frens... i'll prob lose my best fren... maybe we'll still b frens... but nt best frens anymore... n y i say so?? its rilly triggered by lil fights we haf i guess... n i'd alwiz go in2 my negative mode immdly... w/ e last fight abt e nite safari, i tink tt she's prob had e last straw... n realised i'm nt worth 2 b called her best fren anymore... cos bonds rnt alwiz strong... even if ey were once rilly strong like steel, ey'd stil crumble whn e time comes, like death... 2 me, death robs everytin away... nutin remains... nt a single speck of u or ur filins n shit... so maybe tts y i cant trust ppl, cos it doesnt matter if u make or break any of e bonds in yr lifetime anyway... cos it will eventually amt up 2 nutin whn u die... doh all e livin will prob say otherwise... but if i'm correct, ere is only pure emptiness aft death... u cant feel anytin u felt whn u were stil alive... so no happiness n no burden of e 1s u left bhind... so back 2 my pt, i dun trust ppl, i alwiz tink ey'll cheat on me, leave me, abandon me, walk out on me, basically, i'll b alone eventually... cos bonds AREN'T tt strong........

there thee

i tink its rilly time i stopped relyin on e person who takes care of e roof ova my head, e fd on my table, e utilities i use, e occasional car ride 2 my work n stuff... w/out my dad, n my mom 2 since she washes my clothes ~_~, i'd had a taste of wat hardship is like... wch i've prob nvr bn thru b4 in my whole 24yrs of livin... i hate it whn ppl tell me 2 lk at unfortunate ppl w/ no $$ or limbs n shit, cos seriously, deir misfortunate has zilch 2 do w/ me... i'm exaggeratin whn i say i haf a heart devoid of feelins, but i do tink tt its lackin quite abit in e sympathy/morals/conscience dept... call me arrogant, but i do tink i was born lucky, n it may even b true tt my way of tinkin ruined dis lucky life of mine wch cou haf had a future... n if it were possible i shul go 4 a ttl brainwash... reborn myself again... start 4m scratch, n hopefully dis time ard i dun walk dwn dis same dreaded path n instd bcome a norm beta person worthy of life... but i'd den also 4get abt my bond w/ e ppl i care abt nw... mainly my baby n frens... i do tink its fine 2 restart my relationship w/ my family again doh... esp my dad... i wanna stop tinkin n bein e pampered lil girl of his who does wateva she ones jus bcos she noes he'll gif in 2 her eventually... anyway enuff w/ fantasy... e pt of dis post, wch is actually ptless 2 blog abt in e 1st plc, is prob jus 2 jot dwn a promise or resolution i hope i can fulfill in e near future... i wanna lead a life w/ no strings attached... no more bickerin w/ my dad every mornin abt quittin my job n doin businesses n investments w/ him... no more tokin abt travellin all ard e world or movin 2 another country... n def no more askin me 2 find sum1 else beta 2 replc my baby... i've had enuff of doin tins 4 my dad jus bcos i owe him dis comfortable life of mine... i wanna gif it all up... e comforts of everytin in my life fed 2 me on a silver spoon... so, i'm gonna MOVE OUT n rent a plc of my own, n it wou b most preferrable if my baby wou come stay w/ me doh... XD i noe tt wou look like i'm jus shiftin my reliance on2 my baby, but i'll try 2 do more dis time... like washin my own clothes, cookin my own meals, payin my own bills... ok, except doin hsework... i wonder if i stil got enuff $$ left 2 hire my current cleaner aunty 2 clean my hse at least once a wk or once in 2 wks... dis whole plan prob sounds ridiculous... i'd prob luff my head off in e future whn i read back on all dese rash impulsive scribbles of mine... cos atm, it looks like its 95% impossible... but no harm plannin rite?? 1st tin 1st, i gotta start lookin 4 cheap rent near here, wch is near my work plc actually... hmmm... prob only got geylang liao... T_T

sei cannin

i beta nt get sick... cos i jus took 3 days mc last mth 4 food poisonin, -_-" n if i took mc again dis mth, its gonna reflect badly on me 2 my boss... n cut off is comin also... so cant afford 2 get sick nw, plus i'm gonna celeb my 2nd mth w/ my baby dis fri!!! X( so pls pls dun let me get sick!! but my neck hurts like crap nw... its like ready 2 fall off anytime soon man... n e tin stuck at my throat refuses 2 go away, plus i haf 2 keep blowin my nose every so often.... T_T ahhh... i feel like takin mc nw n rest b4 all e tins i haf 2 do startin thu onwrds... X(

braw perms

everytin else feels so small compared 2 e financial prob my family is goin thru... its bn goin on 4 sum time, but only 2dae did it start 2 sink in... in fact its only a few hrs ago tt i realised hw much shit we're in... it started w/ my dad sayin hw hi his blood pressure is each time i tok 2 him abt e calls my banker has bn makin 2 me bcos he refuses 2 listen 2 her anymore... n den it hit me, e wat if sumtin hap 2 him tin... i den tok 2 my sis abt it... n i din feel anymore beta.. worse in fact maybe, cos she painted n even worse pic 4 me 2 c... nw it feels like my will 2 preserve my way of life is dyin out... n naturally, tt leads 2 e 1 tin it alwiz leads 2... e tin i've alwiz kept buried inside... lettin it out 2 breathe every once in awhl only... my every train of tots will alwiz b navigated 2 it... a cycle i cant get out of until tins get beta... but i do wonder if all e terrible tins were 2 play out infrnt of me, wat will i do?? will i do wat i haf alwiz believed i wou eventually do whn i hit a wall??

kong fools

i'm fes 2dae... i'm nt esw... was it e boe part?? havin my ffl dis is killin me... 1/2 of me wanna wah 4 it, e other 1/2 jus wanna guo it n go fse... maybe its bcos of xmas... it pressures me 2 fab cos i dun wba durin dis time of e yr... but thru-out my 22 yrs of life, i stil haven spend iws special... e other twc cos it was more like 1hr wmo n e rest was w/ hsd... -_- i rilly wonder y i was bit 1st plc whn i'm so bloody oad 4m every1... w/ a fss no 1 will eva b able tam at all... anyway, i haf 2 stop wtb al dis shit la... gd nite...